How to Slay Vampires by Buffy Summers
by Muffyn1
Summary: A thorough and specific guide to vampire slaying, by none other than the gal with the most expertise in the subject!
1. Introduction

**DISCLAIMER:**** I, to my utter and true and a little bit vomit-inducing dismay, do not in any way, shape, or form own any of the titles, characters, or backgrounds associated with Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel, as these belong to the brilliant god we know as Joss Whedon. Oh, yeah, and Mutant Enemy Productions. Grr Arrg. **

**The cover image of this story was made by me, drawn by me, designed by me, and is mine. I hope I've made that clear.**

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**How to Slay Vampires by Buffy Summers  
by TheMuffinSlayer**

**Chapter 1: Introduction**

_How to Slay Vampires  
__by Buffy Summers  
__9/21/99_

_You want to slay vampires, right? Then you've come to the right place...or picked up the right piece of writing...or hacked the right computer because I'm not ever printing this out...or whatever. Anyway, I'm, like, vamp-slaying professional, 'cause I, y'know, am a vampire slayer, so, I can pretty much let you know all you need to. About slaying vampires, I mean. Not a whole lot else. Maybe hair. Not so good at the studyage, though. Me an' algebra are a little less comfy, so you might wanna take those questions to my friend, Willow. Much better in the academic department. But, y'know, vampire slaying is a _way_ more important skill. You can't expect a vampire to turn into dust by figuring out the value of X._

_This guide will inform you, step by step, of the fundamental (not exactly sure what that means, but I heard Giles say it once in a similar sentence so…) skills you need and help you ascertain (that's another Giles-word) the knowledge required in order to slay vampires and, like, not die._

_I have to make clear, though, that I am, like, _so_ not encouraging that you slay vampires. I'm just…telling you how you would do it should a reason to arise. So, if you wake up tomorrow with two itty-bitty holes in your neck, super strength, the urge to drink blood, inability to touch the sunlight, and eternal youth, I am not responsible in any way. _


	2. Background Information

**I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer blah blah blah...**

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**How to Slay Vampires by Buffy Summers  
by TheMuffinSlayer**

**Chapter Two: Background information**

_How to Slay Vampires  
by Buffy Summers_  
_9/21/99_

_Vampire slaying is a...thing that's been happening for, like...a really long time. It's an ancient art that is generally performed by an experienced me. The slayer. "The" as in "The ONLY one". 'Cept for this other chick called Faith, but that's a long story involving me and dying. I pretty much came back to life and died and Faith was called. ...Except, maybe not in that exact order. Huh. That story wasn't as long as I thought._

_Anyway, vampire slaying - really not that hard. You don't need to have super strength to do it (although it helps). My friends help me sometimes, so you're probably perfectly capable._

_Vampires themselves are evil. That's all they can be, unless they've got a soul, but, y'know, that's ridiculous, unless they're my ex-boyfriend, Angel, but, chances are, you're not going to run into him, and, if you do, he won't let you stake him. Point is: you don't have to worry about that your killing someone, because you really aren't. These are demons you're fighting – they don't care about anyone but themselves. The less of them existing, the better the word's gonna be._


	3. Vampires

**BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER BELONGS TO THE AMAZINGLY BRILLIANT GOD KNOWN AS JOSS WHEDON AND HIS PRODUCTION COMPANY, MUTANT ENEMY. GRR ARGH.**

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**How to Slay Vampires by Buffy Summers  
by TheMuffinSlayer**

**Chapter Three: Vampires**

How to Slayer Vampires  
by Buffy Summers

_VAMPIRES_

_Vampires are evil, like I said earlier on. They are demons that replace the souls of whomever (not so sure how grammatically correct that is…'whom' just sounds like a cool word to use.) the person was._

_Vampires drink blood to live. Well, die. Well, I mean, they already are dead so…well, okay, if a vampire doesn't drink blood, he will just go crazy, sort of. I've never actually seen it, so I'm not so sure. I mean, not that you should question the reliability of this guide or anything…_

_Vampires bite on the neck. It's a fact. I don't know why. Just a preference, I guess. Willow was explaining to me about how you have some "Juggler Vein" there or something and that's like, a really big vein, so lots of blood, but I didn't pay much attention in biology so I'm not so sure._

_As I famously said, once, "first, they have to suck your blood. Then, you have to suck their blood, and it's just this whole big sucking thing…" and that pretty much sums it up. For a vampire to, the word is 'sire', somebody, they have to drink just enough of a person's blood to not kill them. Then, the vampire cuts themselves and forces the person to drink their own blood. It's supposed to be actually very compelling. If a vampire wants to sire you, you would let them. You do some stupid things on the edge of death._

_The vampire anatomy is basically our own. They look like us most of the time, but when they're all fighty or angry or I-just-made-out-with-you-y, their faces get all bumpy and they get their blood-sucker fangs and their eyes turn yellow. It's kind of cool-looking. I had a vampire face, once. It was in a nightmare, except for that it was real._

_Anyway, aside from how they look, vampires are very, very different from people. Are super everything except for nice. They are super strong, fast, sensitive (and that's not in the emotional kinda way, either), and, a lot of them, hot. You're not any of these things, except for possibly the last one, so you need to makes yourself as alert as possible when vampire slaying._

_Vampires only die through certain means. They are immortal, so they don't die of old age, and they never get old and wrinkly because they stay the same age as the day they were sired. They're technically already dead, so blood loss doesn't do anything. They're hearts don't beat, so no matter what you do to them, unless it's shoving something wood into the heart, it's not really going to affect them. At all. Vampires seem to have a heightened toleration for pain._

_You can kill a vampire in any of the following ways:  
-Stake to the heart (probably the easiest)  
-Direct sunlight  
-Decapitation  
-The consumption of Holy Water  
-Setting them on fire_

_You should also know that vampires:  
-Are burned by crosses  
-Do not like to go near garlic  
-Will burn when splashed with Holy Water  
-Cannot enter a home unless invited to by the owner_

_When a vampire "dies" he/she will turn into dust. I'm not sure about the science behind it, but they do, which is good because, y'know, you don't have to waste your energy trying to bury the thing._


	4. Stakes: The Pointy

**I don't own Buffy, but you knew that already.**

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**How to Slayer Vampires by Buffy Summers  
by TheMuffinSlayer**

**Chapter 4:  
Stakes: The Pointy**

_How to Slay Vampires  
by Buffy Summers_

_STAKES  
PART I  
The Pointy_

_There are four general types of stakes; we are going to begin with my personal favorite: the Pointy. _

_The Pointy stake is long and often sorta square-ish at the start. It gradually moves into the point, unlike the alternative pre-prepared stake, the Duller, which has a more construct, y'know, construction. _

_The Pointy stake is the kind that is pointy. Of course, I guess all stakes are supposed to be pointy, because you can't really stab anyone with a dull stake, but this one is, like, extra pointy. The Pointy stake can be used for a daily patrol or a special fight, as it makes a good weapon against any kind of demon. _

_The only reason the Pointy stake can be less-than-vampire-kill-y is that it can give you splinters. Ow. We will get into the proper way to hold a stake in order to prevent this, later._


End file.
